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Submitted on
March 21, 2013
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Mature Content


176 (who?)
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(Contains: sexual themes)

France X Reader – Talk Dirty to Me (Or Not)

You gazed dreamily up at the clock that hung on the wall opposite your bed, eyes drooping slowly as the big hand ticked rhythmically around in circles. As it neared the small hand facing twelve, however, your eyes widened and you sat up with the beginnings of a smile turning the corners of your mouth.

The phone rang.

Right on time, you thought gleefully as you snatched up the device while simultaneously tucking your legs up to your chest and relaxing back against your headboard. You took a moment to compose yourself before you answered.

“You’re very punctual, aren’t you?”

“D’accord; ‘Allo to you too, mon amour.”

You giggled into the phone as Francis’s voice washed over you, his deep French accent stirring warm sensations from within you that made you grin like an idiot.

“How was your day, handsome?”

“Mm, it would ‘ave been much better if I ‘ad seen your beautiful face. ‘Ow I wish I wasn’t so busy with work!” Francis replied, his dramatic flair rising to the fore. You rolled your eyes.

“I miss you too. What’re you up to right now?”

“I am collapsed in a most unseemly way over the mountain of paperwork on my desk. I am ‘appy that you cannot see me like this; I am truly a dishevelled - if not gorgeous - mess. Et toi, mon cher? Are you in bed yet?”

“Mm, I am. I put those silky sheets you gave me on today, so I’m a little excited to see how they feel,” you sighed happily as one of your hands slipped under your duvet to run along the soft rose-petal red material beneath. Admittedly, when your French boyfriend had given the set to you, you had been sceptical – but after just one touch…you couldn’t wait to slide beneath the covers and indulge in the silky-softness.

After a moment of silence, Francis replied in a low voice,“…is that so?”

You let out a breathless chuckle before responding uncertainly, “Yes? Does that fact have some greater significance that I’ve perhaps missed?”

“It’s just that those sheets ‘ave put me in mind of something… Do you think per’aps we could try something a little different tonight, (Name)?”

“Eh? What do you mean?”

“Eh bien, you see…” Francis paused for a second before murmuring intimately into the receiver, “…Ton corps me manque, ma chérie.”

Your face flushed warmly for a second as you roughly did the translation in your head, “You…you miss my body?”

“Oui. Et…I was wondering if you would be willing to distract me from my work for a little while. Would you like to try talking dirty to one another, (Name)? Just the sound of your voice is making me excité, mon amour...”

Francis’s suggestion brought a strange strangled noise from your throat as you attempted to swallow your laughter. For some reason, you found the idea to be amusing as opposed to arousing. But you could hardly laugh at him when he was being so earnest; his pride would most assuredly be wounded if you broke out into giggles and you would, in all likelihood, not stop hearing about how you had hurt his feelings for weeks on end.

So, why not give it a try?

“D’accord, Francis. I’m listening…”

He chuckled into the phone at your reply and instantly put on the sultriest voice in his arsenal, the one that would normally cause you to become weak at the knees, “Bien, (Name). Now…I wonder if you could tell me what it is that you’re wearing tonight?”

“I’m in my PJs. The pink ones, you remember?”

“Ah, trés bien! Mon amour…if I were in that room with you right now, what would you like me to be doing with you?”

Knowing that the simple, honest answer of ‘Watching a movie with me quietly’ would not suffice in such a situation, you played along by answering somewhat reluctantly, “If you were here…I’d want you to be on this bed with me. Preferably, on top of me.” Oh God, did I really just say that? This is sooo embarrassing…you thought as a blush flushed your cheeks a vivid red and you brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of your nose. Really, Francis…the things I do for you.

“Mm, ‘ow lovely. Would you want me to touch you?”


“Would you want me to take off your clothes?”

“I suppose…”

“Mm, now close your eyes for me (Name)…imagine I’m lying above you. If I were there with you, I would reach down slowly and unbutton that adorable pink nightshirt you’re wearing, all the way to the bottom, until it is hanging wide open. You would be exposed to me, ma chérie; imagine I am gripping your wrists above your ‘ead…and my mouth is slowly making its way down your body, tasting your warm, salty skin and teasing your…”


“…and by then, you would be a shuddering wreck beneath me, mon amour, and you would simply beg for your release-“

You couldn’t hold it in anymore.

The laughter bubbled over and consumed you as Francis’s grandiose (and detailed) narrative came to an abrupt halt. Your boyfriend on the other end of the line sounded alarmed and asked what he’d said that was so funny; but you just kept on laughing!
Phone sex was obviously not your forte, especially due to the fact that you couldn’t take it seriously. What was it about your sexy French boyfriend dirty talking to you over the phone that made you crack up quite so much? Perhaps it was the fact that he presumed you were genuinely…getting into it, let’s say. But in reality, you were sitting on your bed doodling on a notepad. The entire situation just seemed so peculiar! Too peculiar to take seriously.

“I-I’m sorry, Francis! I-I just…I c-can’t breathe!”

“Hmph. If you were not enjoying yourself, then you should ‘ave stopped me, (Name)! You’re so cruel!”

“Ahah, I really am sorry! I-I just…hah, oh boy. Ahem. Okay, I’m good. I’m sorry, sweetheart; I think that maybe I just…prefer the real deal. Words can only do so much,” you clutched at your stomach, which was beginning to ache in the aftermath of your laughter. Wiping the tears from your eyes with the back of your free hand, you gulped slightly, realizing that you had probably just upset your boyfriend, who was presently retaining a stubborn silence on the other end of the line.

“Francis…? I really am sorry – I just wanted to indulge in one of your fantasies for a change, seeing as though you’re often indulging mine. But to be honest, I’d really rather you were here with me doing all those things you talked about, instead of me sitting in my room alone while imagining that you’re here. Does that make sense?”



“…D’accord. I will be there in ten minutes.”

“Wait, what-?” your eyes widened as you heard the dial tone and you quickly looked around yourself to check that there was nothing that could embarrass you further for when your French boyfriend arrived. Sighing in relief at the sight of your relatively clean surroundings, you allowed yourself a cheeky smile before stripping down and slipping in between those silky-soft sheets to await your lover…


France X Reader: Talk Dirty to Me (Or Not)by InariXLi

Literature / Fan Fiction / Romance©2013-2014 InariXLi
Mature Content
France~ :iconfrancehankieplz:

I didn't use to be a fan, but well...I guess he grew on me :3
My french is a liiiitle rusty, so if there are any native speakers reading, I do most sincerely apologize if I have just butchered your beautiful language!

Also, I apologize for being somewhat of a tease in this one (eg. the *Explicit* section) - but I thought I'd try and keep it clean (for once). Use your imaginations! I know you're all well and truly capable ;)

Thanks for reading and have an awesome day!

I do not own Hetalia.
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hetalian15627 Featured By Owner Edited Aug 13, 2014  Student Writer
Rose blush ...blush Onii-chan dayo-nee~! *giggles* ...Misaki-Blush (Misaki Ayuzawa)  Oh sh*t, not again Ai Fuyuumi (Blush) [V1] I didn't mean to call France that so please ignore it!Shouta Kazehaya (Blushing all over) [V1] (Just passing through... psst, do sequel)Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] Bunny Emoji-68 (Bouncy) [V4] 
HetaliaLover10113 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2014  New member
Haha, bitches! I'M GONNA GET LAID!
thisisadecentname Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Student General Artist
Lol this was hilarious Usagi Smiles Icon 
TDS411 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
It's pretty good. I probably be like that too. Thanks. 
ragexthexfurious Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh dear Lord, Francis... You needed censoring... 
anonymous2003 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Student Writer
XD I dunno why but sometimes I just laugh at lemons and stuff like this!
wakalover2 Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2014  Student General Artist

That would definably be me- I laughed just as its aid in the story XDDDD
XxOkamiBonnefoyxX Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconspazattackplz: :iconspazattackplz: :iconspazattackplz: :iconspazattackplz:
pleeeeaaaaaase do a part 2?
Zazzyleey Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
can you do a part 2?
HornzOverHeelz Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is the best x reader I have ever read, no lie.
A part two would be VERY HIGHLY APPRECIATED. 
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